


Keep Going

by Mrs Gordo (MrsGordo)



Category: Angel: the Series, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Buffy the Vampire Slayer (Comics)
Genre: F/M, Not Spuffy Friendly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-19
Updated: 2017-10-19
Packaged: 2019-01-20 00:18:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,831
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12421161
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MrsGordo/pseuds/Mrs%20Gordo
Summary: Essentially, this is set in the comics after the restoration of magic and while Buffy and Spike are in a relationship, sometime after Season 10 “Old Demons”. I haven’t read all of the comics so please forgive canon slips. I'm also ignoring the whole Quor'toth brings out the darkness in people angle.Unfortunately, Buffy ended up a more tragic figure than I typically like to see her and I really feel like her story got away from me a bit in that way but because it was my very first fic ever written I figure let’s put it out there!A great big thanks to my bangel bestie GraceNM who helped me to beta the fic! She was extremely helpful and I’m so appreciative of her feedback which I feel certain elevated the fic :)POV changes between Buffy/Angel.





	Keep Going

**Author's Note:**

> Essentially, this is set in the comics after the restoration of magic and while Buffy and Spike are in a relationship, sometime after Season 10 “Old Demons”. I haven’t read all of the comics so please forgive canon slips. I'm also ignoring the whole Quor'toth brings out the darkness in people angle.
> 
> Unfortunately, Buffy ended up a more tragic figure than I typically like to see her and I really feel like her story got away from me a bit in that way but because it was my very first fic ever written I figure let’s put it out there!
> 
> A great big thanks to my bangel bestie GraceNM who helped me to beta the fic! She was extremely helpful and I’m so appreciative of her feedback which I feel certain elevated the fic :)
> 
> POV changes between Buffy/Angel.

_ Buffy _

 

You would think that the bad guys would be more creative. Every apocalypse is pretty much the same. Another portal or rip to another hell dimension, either the baddies want to suck the world into their hell or they want to bring hell on earth. And this one was no different.

 

The most recent big bad was Shinzon. He was a good-looking fellow, if you're into the whole raw skin on your face with vague ancient writing kinda thing. He was a Granok demon. The same type of demon who was responsible for the kidnapping of Angel’s son a few years ago. Shinzon had been spending time gathering enough power to rip a tear in the reality between this world and Quor’toth. In order to amass this great power the guy had to make himself corporeal, which is great because that means I can kick his ass. Shinzon’s plans were to unleash his hell army on earth through a large rip in the reality between the two worlds. His massive army was on a personal crusade to destroy all of humanity and bring about the end of days. We had identified when and where he would open the tear in reality. We also found a prophetic scroll that told us that once Shinzon started the ritual of the tear,l the only way to close the portal would be by using the blood of a champion for the Powers.  _ Mental sigh.  _ It all sounded all too familiar. Hadn’t I done this very thing already, twice? Once I had sacrificed Angel. Once I had sacrificed myself. I was not looking forward to this, yet again.

 

Given Angel’s experience with these demons and both his and his son’s experience with Quor’toth, Giles had convinced me that we needed to call him in for an assist.

 

“This is a battle of apocalyptic proportions, Buffy. There is no time for personal emotions. We must call Angel and we must call him now.”

 

I conceded the point, reluctantly. I knew this would be tricky. Just a few months before this Angel had come into town to help us beat his and Spike’s great-great to the tenth power granddaddy. I had taken this opportunity to tell Angel about me and Spike. Actually, that wasn’t true. I had basically shoved it in his face. 

 

But not because I wanted to hurt him. Angel had come into my room and was sitting on my bed. He was oh so close to me. I could smell his musky scent. My eyes hovered over his broad shoulders and his adam's apple, which moved rhythmically as he spoke about his feelings and about us. The feelings that were stirring inside me caused me to panic. I ran outside the door and grabbed Spike by the hand and drug him in. I gave Angel some nonsense about it  _ “has been a long time _ ” in a desperate attempt to show Angel I had moved on. I think he bought it; problem is I wasn’t so sure I had.

 

I was so not looking forward to going through that emotional roller coaster again. And on top of all of that I would have to once again find a way to put Spike’s mind to rest that Angel was my past and he was my now. I was exhausted just thinking about it.

 

“So that’s it then? The goin’ gets tough and we can’t handle it ourselves, so we have to call tall, dark and stupid?” Spike sneered.

 

“Spike, Angel has experience with these types of demons and this dimension. Giles says we should call him in to help and I agree with him.” I held Spike’s hand and looked into his eyes, hoping that my actions would reassure him. The need for reassurance felt like a constant presence in our relationship. Riley was the same. Angel hung over the heads of all of my lovers. Would that always be the case? 

 

Spike sighed. “You  _ are _ my girl, right?”

 

I dropped his hands suddenly at his words. A flash of a memory hit me like a ton of bricks.

 

_ You still my girl?  _

_ Always. _

 

I recovered quickly and smiled at Spike, pressing a hand to his cheek. “Of course, don’t be silly.” I moved away, quickly busying myself. I hoped he hadn’t noticed the flash of pain or the hesitation. Spike was always so intuitive. He could always read me better than anyone. I really hoped he couldn’t read me now.

 

********

 

Angel and Connor had arrived within days. 

 

When I first saw Angel I couldn’t help the way his name fell from my lips. A sigh of relief. Like a breath I had been holding in for months was finally being let out. “Angel.” Impulsively I smiled. His presence was still comforting. His nearness still brought that fuzzy feeling at the pit of my stomach. A feeling that remained just as strong after all of these years. A feeling we had never questioned or explored. It just was.

 

“Buffy,” he replied with a nod. I could see the hesitation in his eyes, the longing to pull me into an embrace. I could see the tension rolling from his body. It hit me like a wave of electricity. But Spike stood next to me, possessively close. Angel looked at him and back at me and then away. He had closed himself off and I needed to do the same. This was business. 

 

After introductions were made, Giles filled everyone in. Location, time, place. The question was whose blood would be spilled to close the tear between the two worlds. 

 

“It has to be me,” Angel said, “the blood of a champion for the Powers.”

 

“Excuse me, but I too am a champion for the Powers,” I interjected. I put my hands on my hips to show that I meant business. “I can close this tear and I will not risk sending you to another hell dimension again. Been there, done that.”

 

“You went last time, Buffy. You closed Glory’s portal. If this is a game of tag, I’m it.” 

 

I scoffed. “We’ll see about that.” I did not miss this about Angel. Stupid self-sacrificing stubborn vampire.

 

“Regardless of whose blood is spilled, there is no reason we have to lose anyone to close this tear. The prophecy says that all that is necessary is a single drop of the champion's blood. That is to say that neither of you are being sent to any hell dimension today, am I understood?” Giles commanded.

 

“Got it,” I said.

 

“Sure.” Angel agreed.

 

Angel and Connor filled Giles in on what they knew about the demons and about the dimension they came from, Quor’toth. It did not sound like a fun place – not necessarily in a hurry to buy a timeshare there. I felt sad for Connor, who had to live so many years in such a horrible place, and my heart broke for Angel to have lost his son to a place like that. 

 

****************

When we arrived in the dark, seedy alley where Shinzon was expected to rip through the two realities, we were armed and ready to go. Shinzon arrived just as anticipated with some vampire lackeys to create a distraction for our group. The vampires wouldn’t be a problem. Angel and I stood shoulder to shoulder with the team behind us. We had just fought side by side a few months before with Archaeus and all of the rust had been shaken off then. 

 

Through the years, I have fought alongside many partners. Faith fought with reckless abandon; she was deadly but lacked focus. I could never count on her to have my back. I had to fight as if the battle was being fought alone. Riley always tried to protect me but lacked the physical strength to do so. If the fight was preplanned he was great at offering strategy tips, but I was always more of the innovate as you go kinda girl, so our styles didn’t always mesh. Spike was a wonderful ally to be sure. He was agile and speedy. He always saw two steps ahead of his opponent. And he followed my lead effortlessly, never questioning my battle plans. You couldn’t ask for a better lieutenant. 

 

But in truth, no one compared to Angel. He was truly my equal in every way. Sure, I had previously defeated Angelus, but Angelus was cocky and that was his undoing. I’m fairly certain I could never defeat Angel. Angel was unrestrained muscle and power. But despite his brute strength, he was calculating in his fights. He fought intelligently. Angel and I had spent nearly three years sparring together when he was in Sunnydale. He had taught me many of the fighting styles he had learned over the years, so our styles were similar and in sync. When he and I fought together, it was a dance and we were a force to be reckoned with. Basically, We. Were. Good.

 

We made quick work of the vampires that came for us along with the help of our teams. As we fought the vamps, I could see Shinzon begin to rip through the two realities and I could see the access to the hell dimension. If I had a dollar for every portal… I thought. Angel and I both fought our way to the rip that Shinzon was creating as it pulled and stretched slowly. Spike was not far behind fighting swiftly as he made his way. But Angel got to Shinzon first. As I fought my way over, I could see him fighting with Shinzon, who was an amazingly skilled fighter. I saw that Shinzon had procured a dagger from his belt and had viciously thrust it into Angel’s throat. Angel fell to the ground. An unnatural amount of blood poured out of his throat as he struggled to pull the dagger out.

 

“Angel!” I yelled and ran towards him. I knew it couldn’t kill him but the sight of him bleeding and in pain was enough to send me into a panic. I ran over but I could see that the tear was stretching, opening slowly, and I could see the army on the other side preparing themselves to march into our world. I prayed Angel would be OK. He would have to wait. I picked up Angel’s broadsword. I charged Shinzon and managed to spear him in the stomach with the sword. He stumbled and began to fall back and into the tear itself but before he was pulled in, the demon grabbed me by my hair and he hissed, “If I go back, then you come with me, Slayer.”

 

I struggled to get free but he was falling into Quor’Toth and I could feel him pulling me with me. I looked back and saw that Angel was staggering towards me. He held out his bloodied hand and I grabbed it. But his pull was not as strong as the pull of the of the hell dimension. I fell into the tear still holding Angel’s bloody hand. Before I knew it, our hands were separated and the rip between the two realities was closed. I looked up and saw that I was lying before an army of demons. 

 

_ Angel _

 

I grabbed on to Buffy as I saw the demon was pulling her into the tear. I had lost so much blood and I was weak but I couldn’t let her go. I fought with all I had to pull her back but the demon or the pull of Quor’Toth was stronger than me. All of a sudden, the rip between the two realities snapped and came to a close. I looked down at my hands. They were filled with the blood that had been seeping from my throat. My blood… it had closed the rip in the realities... with Buffy in Quor’Toth.

 

“Dad!” Connor had rushed to my side and kneeled next to me.

 

I pulled the dagger free from my throat. “Buffy…” I gurgled, “need...help…” but before I could finish attempting to string any words together, a horrible pain began to run throughout my entire body. I was on fire from the inside out. Had I been staked? Was this how it felt to turn to ash? Not now. Buffy needed me. This wasn’t my time. The pain was excruciating. I heard an inhuman sound of agony and realized it was me attempting to scream while blood poured out from the gash in my throat. And just as suddenly as the searing pain had started, it stopped. I was no longer on fire. I was still in horrible pain though and...and…trying to breathe...I couldn’t breathe… I don’t need to breathe….

 

Connor seemed to realize that I was struggling for breath and called Giles over… I vaguely heard something about heartbeat and ambulance. “Help...Buffy,” I tried saying again but it sounded airy and twisted and wrong...I felt the world go black.

 

_ Buffy _

 

Shit. I was going to die. Shinzon came forward and grabbed me by my hair as he pulled me up. Sure, I could fight back, but what good would it do when he had what looked like hundreds, maybe thousands, of soldiers in his demon army here who could tear me limb from limb? 

 

“You have cost me dearly, little girl, and for that you will pay dearly,” he said.

 

He threw me at one of his soldiers. “Put her in a cage. I will sell her in the market. They will pay a pretty price for a slayer as a slave,” he commanded. He got up close to the soldier and narrowed his eyes, “But don’t touch her. She is worth more without you all putting your filthy hands or cocks inside her.” The soldier grumbled but grabbed me by my waist and threw me over his shoulder. He snickered as he squeezed my ass with delight. I considered fighting back but I was so greatly outnumbered that was not the smart thing to do. Now was not the time.

 

The demon threw me into a small cage that smelled of animal shit. I have been through so much in my life, but this was definitely the worst situation I could have found myself in. I was alone in a demon dimension and at the mercy of demons. I had to think of a plan to escape. But how? I had to believe that my friends wouldn’t let me die here. If there was a way…. They would find it. But what if there wasn’t a way? No. I had to believe there was a way. 

 

The next few days were spent traveling. I was given dirty water and scraps for food. Enough to keep me alive but not enough to take away the hunger, which at this point had become a close friend and companion. We had arrived at a town after what felt like a week or more of traveling. Time felt strange in this dimension. The days stretched on for long hours. It was incredibly hot and the landscape had a reddish-brown hue. The air was thick with dust and tasted of copper - blood? I shuddered at the thought. It was suffocating. The nights were pitch black but short and filled with distant shouts of terror and agony. Who was out there? Who was suffering? 

 

We had arrived at some destination. “Tomorrow you go on sale, little Slayer. I am going to make a great living off of you. I can only imagine how many people have been trying to get their vengeful hands on a Slayer,” Shinzon sniveled at me.

 

I spit at his face. The bastard. I was still the Slayer. He would not break me. He laughed and walked away. I laid down in the cold, damp cage. I closed my eyes and curled into a ball. I was so cold. I tried to think of happy memories. Picnics on the beach with Dawn and my parents as a kid. Ice skating as a teen. Movie nights and snuggles with Spike. No. What I needed were memories where I felt safe. When did I last feel safe? I desperately pulled from all of my memories. I could not remember. It had been years to be sure. I have for so long kept everyone else safe. Mom, Dawn, Spike. I know Giles tries to take care of me but I always felt responsible for him and now that he had returned as a teenager he needed more protection than before. Riley tried desperately to keep me safe but his promises were hollow. He could offer me no comfort. No. Back before that. Angel. The last time I felt safe, protected. I remembered a moment long ago when I had felt safe enough to let my guard down. I had allowed myself to be cocooned in the safety of his arms. I remember the moment so well now. I was warm in his bed and in his arms; we had been slaying for hours and had fallen asleep from exhaustion, a post-slayage nap. There was no doubt in my mind that he would take care of me. He would keep me safe. On my 18th birthday, when I had lost my slayer abilities, Angel was the first person I thought of to protect me. As the Slayer, I am the great protector of all humankind, but Angel, he was my protector. I held onto those thoughts. I pulled them around me like a warm blanket. Angel would keep me safe. Angel would save me from here. He would not rest until I was back. And with that thought, I fell asleep.

 

_ Angel _

 

I awoke in a white room, sterile, machines beeping. My vision was blurry, and every inch of my body was hurting. I tried to get up and realized I had tubes sticking out from all over my body. I panicked. There was something down my throat. I looked around nervously and saw Connor rush to my side.

 

“You need to relax, Old Man. The doctors and nurses are already looking at us like we are insane people because I couldn’t explain how you ended up with a dagger in your throat. So sit back, please.”

 

I nodded and tried to relax. I motioned with my hands and tried to make Connor tell me what was going on. Connor sighed and sat down. He stared at me for a long moment and then asked, “How do you  _ feel _ ?”

 

I took a quick account of how I felt for the first time since I had woken up. I startled at the realization that my heart was beating. I lifted my hand to my chest in disbelief. And then everything clicked into place. This was a joke. This was some sick cosmic joke. I had fucking Shanshu’ed. I had Shanshu’ed while Buffy had been carted off to a demon dimension. I looked up and mentally flipped off the Powers. What a sick twist of fate. No, this was not over. I would get Buffy back. I would get her back if it meant giving up this so-called gift of theirs. 

 

“Yeah -- you are human. But you are healing at a very fast rate, or so the doctors keep saying in hushed tones. I’m afraid they are going to call the FBI on us and make you the subject of their freaky experiments. I need to find a way to get you out of here but I’m waiting for a good time. We need to get this tube out, so I’m going to call a nurse or someone and see if they will agree to remove it. Hang tight, OK?”

 

I nodded. Connor left and came back shortly with a petite redhead in a doctor’s coat. He was smiling and seemed to be laying it on pretty thick with the flirting. Medical intern, she had said as she blushed at Connor.

 

“So you see my umm… my… brother he keeps trying to tell me he can breathe and I can’t find a doctor because it’s so late at night. You seem smart and certainly very capable. Could you help us out with this breathing tube?” He gave a sideways smile. Where on earth had this kid learned these moves?

 

“Well,” she looked around nervously, “I’ve only ever done this once and technically only an attending should make this decision.” She hesitated. “But if you are sure you can breathe and you don’t mind me practicing, I can try it out.” I motioned as animatedly as I could for her to proceed. She turned off the breathing machine and disconnected the machine from the tube. She told me to take a deep breath and pulled the tube out in one swift movement. It hurt like hell. This humanity thing was going to take some getting used to. But I could, in fact, breathe, although it hurt like hell. She checked my vitals and my respiration. She explained that the doctors had indicated on my chart that they wanted me to stay there for observation due to the stab wound. She found it curious that I didn’t need major surgery after such a wound. “Thank you…” I managed to croak out in an ungodly voice. She smiled at me and then smiled even bigger at Connor and proceeded out the door.

 

Connor followed her and thanked her. He watched as she walked down the hall. He ran over to me and said, “The coast is clear. Can you walk?” I got up, and although I felt shaky I would make it. We quickly made our way out of the hospital and headed back over to Buffy’s apartment and the team.

 

As we drove over, I realized I wasn’t sure how long I had been at the hospital. “How long?” I tried my best to say. Thankfully Connor knew exactly what I meant. “It has been less than 24 hours since Buffy was taken." His face hardened. "It’s been about six months over there.”

 

I was desperate. I had to get Buffy back. My mind reeled. How could I get her back? 

 

_ Buffy _

 

And sold, I was. I was displayed at some kind of town square for all of the demons to pay their respects - or disrespects really. It was humiliating. Some came and spit on me while others slapped me or threw nasty things at my face. The demon clan that purchased me were called Makra demons. They were large and green and a bit slimy. They had a large compound with a number of slaves and were excited to add a slayer to their mix.

 

Many of these demons’ brethren had been killed by a slayer along the years and they took great care to take it all out on me. At first I was beaten mercilessly and tortured. Sometimes they would give me lashings and sometimes I was given small shallow cuts along my skin to make me bleed slowly and painfully. Initially, I fought back helplessly, but it was no use. I was chained up and malnourished. I had little strength. The demons told me over and over that I was a disgusting human and that I was hideous. Fine by me, I thought, they were not a pretty sight. I was taken to a concrete cell with a small cot. I was allowed to eat and drink only enough so that I could be kept alive and nothing more. After some time – months, although I’m not sure how many – the novelty of having a Slayer as their captive wore off. None of the Makras took any special interest in torturing me. I thanked the Powers that they had appeared to lose interest. Generally, they used me for labor, although they complained that my Slayer strength had been oversold. Many months had passed. No one spoke to me or acknowledged me except to give me daily tasks. I was alone with my thoughts.

 

The night was my haven. I could curl up on my cot and I would drift away in my memories. I would dream of slow dances with Angel. A beautiful pink dress with my hair perfectly done. I took comfort in the embrace of his arms. That is where I felt the safest. I would give anything to have that back. When the morning would come again, my heart would sink. Had Angel given up? Was he still looking for me? I vaguely remembered that time moved differently here but my mind was fuzzy. It felt like it had been too long. Of that I was sure.

 

_ Angel _

 

“Willow, what do you need from me to find her?” I asked desperately. Spike glared at me. He blamed me. I can’t say that I didn’t blame myself. If I hadn’t been so stupid as to let that demon stab me. If I had been able to pull her back out of Quor’toth....

 

“I can open a small temporary rip that will get us there. It will be unstable and it will require a great deal of power from me but I can do it. The only problem is I need to know where she is so we can get in and get her out.. I can’t do a locator spell because she isn’t in this dimension. I’m trying to figure out how to locate her,” Willow responded. She was tired and her face was twisted with worry. As powerful as she was, even she had her limits.

 

My mind was racing. Who could help me? I felt nauseous, my mood was erratic and to top it off I had all of these new sensations: hunger, thirst, exhaustion. I felt helpless. I found myself missing my old friends. A thought occurred to me. “Do you have the ability to access higher planes of existence? Higher beings?”

 

“Yes, I’ve done it before. If they  _ allow _ me I can usually reach out and make a connection. Who do you suppose could help?” Willow responded.

 

“Cordy… I don’t have access to the Oracles, so she is the only one who I can think of who would have access to the Powers...The way I look at it...I have been granted this… this gift and maybe I can barter with the Powers to take it back. I’ll go back to working for them in exchange for helping me find Buffy.” 

 

“Dad, are you sure about this? This is your reward,” Connor asked, stunned that I would give it up. I had been given humanity before and I had given it up for Buffy then. I would gladly do it again. I looked at Connor but didn’t respond. If I had been given the opportunity to save him from Quor’toth, I would have done it in a second. Connor was my world. Buffy was my soul. There was no decision to be made.

 

Willow nodded. "Let me concentrate."

 

I started to walk away but looked back at Willow. “Hurry, Willow, it's already been so long.” I shook my head and continued out of the room. Was she alive? I prayed to the Powers that she was alive and that she would be OK.

 

In the living room, I found myself staring at the clock. Every minute was an eternity in that hell. I remembered my time in hell, a different hell, but a hell nevertheless. I had been tortured, beaten, violated. My heart stilled. I had been raped. I felt a strange feeling in the pit of my stomach and I realized I was about to vomit… I leaned over and nothing but bile came up. 

 

Spike walked over to me and stared at me for a few moments. Then he threw a box of crackers at me. At my face, really. “Eat something. You are a weak, feeble human now and you can’t live if you don’t eat or drink water.” 

 

I nodded. He continued to stare.

 

“She won’t forgive you, you know. If you give up your humanity for her return, she won’t ever forgive you.”

 

“Wouldn’t that make you happy?” I responded with more disdain that I would have liked to admit. For the past year he had been in a relationship with the woman of our dreams. I was never good at being the better man when it came to Buffy’s lovers.

 

Spike appeared to be looking all around me, then he got a distant look in his eyes. “I don’t know what I think anymore, Angel.” Spike walked away. Did he just call me Angel? I couldn't remember the last time he had called me Angel, if ever. I took a cracker and ate it. And then I grabbed a handful and stuffed them in my mouth and leaned back. As I looked around, I realized for the first time that I was sitting in front of a window in a patch of sunlight. Spike had been in the shadows and I was in the light.

 

I had closed my eyes for what felt like a minute before I heard Willow calling out, “Angel!” I jumped up and ran over to her. “I got it. I was granted a channel. You ready?” 

 

“Yes.”

 

Willow sat down on the floor and motioned for me to join her. “Now, this is your trip. I’m merely the conduit. But since I’m the one who is astral projecting, it’s like I’m lending you my body so Cordy will see me. You will have to explain that it’s really you.”

 

I nodded, grabbed Willow’s hands and closed my eyes. I felt a jolt and my body ascend. Then I felt extremely light. When I opened my eyes, everything was stark white. It was so bright it took a while for my eyes to adjust. Once they did, I turned around and saw Cordy, who was smiling right at me. She was beautiful as always. She was standing in a sharp white power suit. It was low cut and fit her perfectly. Her hair was dark and chin length. She looked like she was on her way to a board meeting or to take over the world. “Well, if it isn’t my old boss,” she greeted me.

 

“You know it’s me? Willow said I would look like…”

 

“Yes, silly. I know it’s you, but you are looking a bit like a red-headed Wiccan today." She walked towards me and hugged me. “I’ve missed you.”

 

“Me too, Cordy.” Her hug was warm. “Cordy… I need…”

 

“I know… you need my help finding Buffy.” She paced in front of me and her voice became slightly shrill. Her mannerisms were so familiar and the memory stung. It took me back to the early Angel Investigation days. “I know that you want to give up your humanity for her again, Angel, and I must say I’m very disappointed. I lobbied hard for you to get your humanity at the next apocalypse and you want to give it up again? Not gonna happen, mister.” Cordy pursed her lips and looked down at the ground and frowned. I don’t know what she saw but her look became pained. “I’m going to tell you where she is, Angel. You don’t need to sacrifice anything else. You need to move quickly. She is… she needs you.” Cordy looked back up and into my eyes. “Angel, I need you to understand me when I say this. She needs  _ you _ .” I nodded in understanding although I wasn’t sure I completely understood her. 

 

Cordy placed her hands on my head and closed her eyes. A vision shot through me. It was the location of where Buffy was. Although I wasn’t able to see Buffy, I could feel her presence. “Thank you, Cordy…”

 

“And, you know, you’re welcome and all because Doyle and I went into that board room” – she pointed behind her – “and really negotiated a hell of a deal for you. You get to keep your super healing and super strength with your newfound humanity. You’re like “boy slayer.” But you are not immortal, so have to watch yourself now. Also, don’t overeat or you’ll get a jelly belly.” She smiled and placed her hand on my cheek. “I’ll see you when your time comes, Champ.” And with a bang, I was back with Willow. 

 

“I got it… I know where she is, Willow. We have to hurry.”

 

_ Buffy _

 

The months passed and I was sold once again. The Makra demons had talked me up to a group of vampires that happened to live in Quor’toth. They salivated at the thought of feeding off of a slayer. Of course they wanted me nice and fat for that and at the time I was sold to them I was rail thin. They fed me constantly and I happily accepted the food. The vampires gave me what looked like a regular room with a regular bed. At first I slept on the floor. I had slept on a hard cot for so long that I had not trusted the bed, but after a few weeks, I moved over to the bed. It was slightly better than the floor, but the mattress was lumpy and smelled of sweat and blood. I learned to live with the smell. It invaded this entire world.  

 

After a month or so of being fed, I was looking more like myself. I was allowed a shower and a change of clothes. I felt physically stronger as well, but my mind was weak. I had no will to escape. I knew I had nothing to escape to. It had been nearly a year, as best as I could tell, and no one had come. My friends would have surely given up by now. Angel, would he have given up? How long had it been up there? I felt like I was losing my mind. I had to remind myself everyday that my name was Buffy Summers. But here in this hell, I was called Slayer. And they laughed at me. This sad girl who thought she was once a great warrior. Now broken. 

 

One night, I awoke to the group of vampires grabbing me and chaining me to my bed. The minions who had chained me left and I was alone in the room with the Master vampire. He was tall, a beastly man. He had long ashen hair. His eyes were crystal blue. They reminded me of Spike’s beautiful eyes. But these eyes did not contain any ounce of compassion. They were cold and hard. He said his name was Sampson. 

 

I was at his mercy. I knew torture awaited me. I awaited my lashings. I had been through varied types of torture with the Makra demons. I thought that there was nothing I could not endure. But I was so terribly wrong.

 

Sampson came close to me and kneeled at my side. He slowly caressed my face. His breath smelled of blood and death. He hovered over my body and inhaled my scent.

 

“There is something so erotic about the scent of a Slayer. The power, the danger.” He scoffed. “But you smell … different. You smell of fear and weakness. You have been broken, girl. It saddens me. I would have taken great pleasure in breaking you myself. Instead” – he gripped my head back suddenly and viciously – “I will have to take great pleasure in destroying you.”

 

He ripped my tunic from my body so that I was completely naked in front of him. I shut my eyes so tightly. I could feel his hands all over my body. In my past life, a life that felt like it was 100 years ago, when I was a strong and powerful Slayer, I had known vampires like Sampson, sadistic, intent on brutally slow and painful torture. He would take his time with me. That much I knew.

 

I could not physically escape. I was trapped by the thick manacles that dug into my wrists and ankles. I decided to stop struggling. My only possible escape was my mind, or what was left of it. It was the only solace. I didn’t want to be a victim. 

 

I had never told anyone this but when I had come back from Heaven, I had remembered a great deal more than when I had left. I had remembered my life with and without Dawn, both memories existing in my mind side by side. It was a strange sensation. But I also remembered a day with Angel that had never happened. I remembered Angel’s heartbeat strong against my chest. He was warm. I remembered the need and desperation we both had to be so close to each other, to have him inside me. I tried to focus on that beautiful memory. I did not want to think about this monster’s cold hands, his long, horrific fingers, even though I could feel them inside me. I tried harder to close my mind off, to drift further and further inside my mind. I let myself imagine I was warm in Angel’s embrace. No one would hurt me. The next thing I felt was the immense pain when this monster sunk his teeth viciously into my throat. My eyes shot open at the horrific pain. This was how I would go. Everything went dark. I held on to the image of Angel holding me, tightly in his arms. I concentrated on the memory of his beating heart and I felt nothing else.

 

_ Angel _

 

Willow was ready to create the rip between the two worlds upon my return. We all understood that we had no moments to waste. Willow grabbed my hand and closed her eyes as I concentrated on the vision and the location where Buffy was in Quor’toth. After some chanting, Willow’s body levitated and her hair went black. I heard the crackling and saw the small rift to Quor’toth. I squeezed through the small rip followed by Spike and Connor behind me. We were in front of a rather large mansion and ran straight through the front doors.

 

“Oh no…” Spike howled. “We have to hurry.” Spike pulled in front of us and ran faster.

 

I knew he could probably smell things or hear things that my human senses would not allow. I could hardly bear the frustration of not knowing what was happening to Buffy. I had to trust Spike to guide us to her. 

 

“She is in there…” Spike yelled as we approached a door. At that moment, we were met by a group of vampires. My heart was racing. I could feel my blood pumping viciously through my veins as I tore through the vampires, my strength clearly intact despite my human condition. I reached the room first and opened the door. Nothing in my entire life could prepare me for the sight. Buffy lay naked and over her, on top of her and preparing to enter her was a large vampire with his fangs embedded in her throat. In my 250 years, I have never felt the blind fury that I felt at that moment. I rushed forward and grabbed the vampire by his limbs and threw him off so viciously that his arms tore clear off of his body. I quickly swung around with my broadsword and decapitated him. As I did so, Spike ran in and grabbed Buffy. Connor looked around and was able to find the key to the manacles and helped to unlock her chains. 

 

“Is she alive?” I ran over to him. There was no hiding the desperation in my voice.

 

“Yes, her pulse is strong. She hasn’t lost much blood… He didn’t take much….“ Spike lost control and began to sob uncontrollably. “Oh God, Buffy….”

 

“Spike… Spike, we have to go…” Spike was touching Buffy’s body and crying violently. I pushed him aside and swept Buffy into my arms. “We have to go.” I ran out and heard Spike following closely behind me. I tried to push the horrible pain of the vision of that monster preparing to violate Buffy out of my mind.

 

We ran towards the tear to our world. The tear was crackling. Willow had told us the rip would be unstable and temporary. I ran faster for fear that it would close again. I called out to the others to hurry and looked over to see them at my heels. We made our way through the rip separating the two worlds. Willow collapsed to the ground as we made our way in and the rip collapsed with her. 

 

I carried Buffy’s unconscious body to her bedroom. I placed her under the covers and covered her naked and bruised body. I didn’t want them to see her… not like this, so broken and vulnerable. Spike rushed to her side and grabbed her hand and continued to cry. He whispered words of love and begged for her to wake up. I stepped back but I would not leave her side.

 

Giles came in the room, holding up a depleted Willow. “I...I can heal her once my strength is…” She stifled a sob. 

 

It would not be that simple this time. These wounds would not heal with spells or doctors. So we waited patiently at her bedside. Patiently until she would wake up.

 

_ Buffy _

 

The first thing I felt was a soft mattress. I didn’t feel the pain of the sting in my throat. It was over. One way or another it was done. I heard vague noises… Were they voices? I couldn’t tell. I slowly opened my eyes. The first thing my eyes saw was Angel. He was leaning over me. Perhaps this was a dream… perhaps this was yet another death that had come to take me. It didn’t matter. All that mattered was that Angel was here in front of me and I would take any comfort that offered, even if it was a dream, or a memory. I leaped towards him desperately and into his arms.

 

“Oh God… Angel… Angel…. Please…. don’t leave me…. Don’t let me go back there….I can’t go back... Please don’t leave me. I’m scared….”

 

Angel gathered me up close and shushed me. He rocked me. I began to cry. I couldn’t remember the last time I had cried. I think I had stopped crying after a few months with the Makra demons. When they would hear me cry they would laugh and beat me even harder. I learned crying only brought more pain. I flinched at the thought of the beatings. Would I be beaten now? No… Angel wouldn’t allow it. He would not allow them to hurt me.

 

“Buffy…. It’s OK… We are all here… You are safe, OK? No one is going to hurt you anymore. Do you understand?”

 

But something was wrong… Angel was… warm… And his… heart… it was beating. I pulled away and shook my head. I looked up at his eyes. “This isn’t real. It’s a dream. It’s just a dream. You are going to go away and I will be back with that monster.”

 

“No, Buffy. It’s not a dream. It is really me. I promise. Look at me.” He grabbed my face. “I am here.” I shook my head again. “You… your heart. It’s beating. This is just, it’s just a memory of our day… our beautiful day…” But I nuzzled up against him either way. If it was a dream I didn’t want it to end. I didn’t want to return to the pain of reality.

 

“Buffy…” He continued to rock me gently and stroked my hair. “I know you’re in shock. What you have been through….” I could hear the tears stuck in his throat as he spoke. “It is unimaginable. But I am not going anywhere.” He sighed. “I’ll explain everything else later, for now sleep… just sleep.” Could it be true? Could this be real? I didn’t dare to hope. I was so afraid to believe it. But I let my eyes close and I fell asleep.

 

_ Angel _

 

“You can put her down now, she’s asleep,” Spike remarked, trying to mask his disapproval. 

 

“I won’t leave her, Spike. I’m sorry but until she tells me to leave her side, I won’t. I will respect whatever her wishes are.”

 

He looked at me. His emotions were conflicted. I saw anger to be sure but there was something else. 

 

I had sent Connor back home. He had college to get back to in a few weeks. I wasn’t sure how long I would stay with Buffy. Honestly, I never wanted to leave her side again. Someone else could help protect Magic Town. There were other warriors for good. I don’t know why I ever left this woman to begin with. What twisted reasons had I come up with to run from the only woman I had ever loved? But it wasn’t just me – she had chosen a life without me before. And if she wanted a life without me again I would have to honor those wishes. 

 

I slowly shifted, sitting back on the headboard, careful not to disturb Buffy. Willow came in and handed me a thermos. “It’s chicken soup. You are human now, Angel, you can’t go on without eating and drinking anything.” Willow was the only one of Buffy’s friends who had ever warmed to me. I appreciated her thinking of me now. I nodded gratefully, took the thermos and drank from it. The warm liquid felt soothing to my stomach. After finishing off the thermos I dozed off. I don’t know how long I was out before I felt Buffy start to stir.

 

She jerked suddenly away from my arms and looked at me as if trying to remember where she was. Then she looked around at Spike and Willow. 

 

Spike sat up from the chair and approached carefully. “ ‘S alright, pet, you’re OK.” But Buffy recoiled when he tried to touch her and turned to huddle closer to me. While I would typically take great pleasure in Buffy rejecting Spike, I could find no joy in seeing Buffy’s trepidation at people who were her friends. She was clearly afraid and confused. She was shaking like a leaf. I continued to try and soothe her.

 

“It’s OK. No one here is going to hurt you…” I said.

 

Willow approached cautiously. “Buffy…?”

 

Buffy turned to look at her and Spike, then at me again and scooted away. “Is this real? Am I home?”

 

“Yes,” Willow replied softly. 

 

“Was … was that real?” She looked over at me. 

 

I wouldn’t lie to her. As much as I wanted to take all of the pain away, she had to know. “It was. But you are safe now.”

 

Buffy nodded, looking down. We had placed her in an oversized shirt as she slept. 

 

“I need...a shower…” 

 

“Of course, come on… Guys, can you leave us?” Willow went over to Buffy’s side while Spike and I walked out of the room. 

 

I walked over to the sofa and laid down. I was exhausted. Body and soul. I closed my eyes and for the first time in days, I slept. 

 

_ Buffy _

 

Willow drew me a bath and helped me into the tub. She sat next to me. I could see the tears streaming down her face. The old me would have tried to comfort her, tell her it was all OK. I would probably have tried to protect her from seeing me like this. But not today, not now. I wasn’t sure if I had that in me anymore. I looked down at my body. There weren’t many scars. Slayer healing still worked its magic. But I could still remember the scars, the welts, the bruises, the lashes. 

 

“How long…?”

 

Willow frowned. “It was only about three days here.” She looked at me, questioning. She didn’t want to ask the question because she didn’t want to know the answer.

 

A sad laugh escaped my lips. “I think it was about a year.... I lost count at some point. It became… too painful to think about.”

 

Willow’s look at my response was pained. “I … it doesn’t seem like enough… but I’m so sorry. I love you and I am here for you and I’m so, so sorry.”

 

I nodded my head in understanding. I relaxed back into the tub and sighed. For the first time I allowed myself to believe I was, in fact, home. That I was safe. Now I just needed to figure out where to go from here.

 

Willow began to wash my hair. I wondered how long it had been since my hair had been washed. Best not to think about it, really. I forced myself to think of the present. “So…. Angel is human?”

 

“Oh yes, well, when he closed the tear between the two dimensions, accidently, when he was holding your hand with his... umm blood and he, well, he got his Shanshu. Which apparently is this prophecy he was promised like six years ago." 

 

“Six years ago…” I mumbled, lost in thought. “Is it… permanent?”

 

“Looks like it. Oh… but apparently he has connections with the Powers because they allowed him to keep his strength and healing, which, you know, came in handy because he was stabbed in the throat… but he is all better now, good as new, ready to get back on the horse.”

 

Willow was rinsing my hair when a thought occurred to me and sent a chill down my spine. I turned and grabbed Willow. “I don’t want him to leave me.”

 

Willow looked at me, puzzled. “I’m sure he doesn’t have plans to leave now, Buffy. He wants to make sure you are OK.”

 

I shook my head and panic began to rise inside me. I turned and looked down. She didn’t understand. “I need him,” I whispered.

 

Willow stilled. She looked at me, confused, but then her eyes softened. Maybe she felt pity for me. She had never seen me so broken. “He loves you, Buffy. He has always loved you. That won’t ever change.” She placed a hand on my back and I accepted her comforting touch. She finished rinsing my hair and after I rinsed off I gathered myself in a towel.

 

“Can you give me … just some time alone?” I asked her.

 

“Sure. I’ll be right outside if you need me.”

 

When Willow left, I sat down on the cold tile floor. It felt soothing. Everything here felt soothing. I kept having to remind myself that I wasn’t going back to that hell. This was real. I welcomed the quiet. I had been left largely alone for the past year or so and being around so many people was hard to get used to. 

 

I made my way over to my room and found some clothes. I had never appreciated how soft my shirts were. As I dressed, the door opened. I quickly moved to cover myself.

 

“ ‘S just me, luv.” Spike looked at me pleadingly. Like he was asking for something. 

 

“Spike… can you… just turn around for a second, please?”

 

Hurt flashed across his face but he did as he was asked. I quickly finished dressing and sat on my bed. “I’m sorry… it’s just, this feels so strange.”

 

He walked over and sat in front of me. “You have nothing to apologize for, Slayer.”

 

The word "slayer" caused me to flinch. It reminded me of the Makra demons. They had taunted me tediously and called me Slayer. I tried to shake off the memory. This was Spike. He had always called me Slayer affectionately.

 

“Are you angry with me?” Spike asked, innocently. 

 

“No… no, of course not. I just need some time to adjust, is all.”

 

He turned and faced away from me. What did he want from me? I didn’t have the strength to do anything but exist right now. I couldn’t reassure him or comfort him. I was a broken thing. I knew I had loved him. He had made me laugh. He always knew my mood, could always read if I was happy or sad or upset. Vampire thing, he would say, but he could always do that better than Angel. He had a gift of reading people. And then I thought, had he always known? Had he always seen behind my grand act, the great denial, known that I was still and always would be in love with Angel?

 

After being lost in thought and sitting in silence for several minutes, he planted a forced smile on his face. “Right then. I’ll let you get your rest and I’ll be back tomorrow night.” 

 

He leaned in hesitantly and I didn’t move. I closed my eyes. I had to allow him this. I had to allow him to be near me even though it turned my stomach. Why was I so afraid? I stiffened and waited for what was to come. Like it was my punishment, my penance. He placed a small kiss on my forehead and got up. Headed to the door and closed it. I laid down and tried to shut out the world. It was what I was used to now. 

 

The next person to enter my room was Giles. He came with a tray of food. He placed it on my bed. After some moments of silence, he started to talk to me about what he had learned about the portal and the demon who had initially opened it. I welcomed the soothing notes of his voice as I ate my food. I mostly just listened to his voice without hearing his words. I had no interest in this subject and I realized that Giles probably knew this. But we needed a sense of normalcy and so he would provide it. After some time, when he was done with his account of his research findings, he looked up into my eyes, a sad smile and grabbed my shoulder. “Right then. I’ll continue my research.” He took the empty food tray and left.

 

I reached over to my nightstand and grabbed a book I had been reading before I was taken. It was a vampire romance novel. I began to read the book without paying attention to the words, I was just staring at the book to pass the time. And the time passed very quickly. When I looked over at the clock I realized it was midnight. I wasn’t sure how the day had been wasted. I turned off my lamp and tried to sleep. But when I closed my eyes I could feel Sampson’s hands on me and inside me, his long fingernails, the feel of his fangs as he… “Oh, God, no!” I screamed.

 

Angel came flying into my room. “What is it?” 

 

I shot up from my bed. There was no one there. It was just me. “I...I’m sorry… it wasn’t… I just can’t.” I shook my head and fought the sobs that I felt building in my chest. How could I explain these feelings, these nightmares? I looked up at him. His eyes were sad. Did he know? “Will you stay with me?”

 

“I’m not going anywhere. I’m right outside, Buffy.”

 

“No. I mean I need you here. I can’t sleep. I’m scared to sleep. Can you please…?”

 

He seemed to understand but hesitated. “Do you want me on the floor?”

 

“No.” My voice was desperate and I didn’t care. I needed to feel the comfort of his arms around me.

 

He nodded and sat next to me on the bed and I snuggled into his chest. It was strange, with his heartbeat. It was different than most of my memories of him. I laid quietly listening to his heart beating loudly in his chest. I remembered a day that never was. “You gave up your humanity for me, once,” I whispered.

 

He looked down at me and I could see the confusion written on his face and you could see he had many questions he wanted to ask but now was not the time. Then his eyes grew softer and I saw the pain that the memory brought him. “And I would do it again.”

 

“I died anyway.” I looked away and relaxed back into his arms.

 

“I know. But you came back.”

 

“Yeah.” I sighed. “But I wasn’t the same.”

 

“You were still Buffy. You  _ are _ still Buffy.” He gently caressed my hair. “All of your scars and bruises, they will fade. Your heart, your soul, your spirit, they are still the same. I still see that in your eyes. The same burning spirit I saw in the 15 year old that was called. The same beautiful heart that fell in love with a reformed monster. The same beautiful soul that sacrificed her life for those that she loved. You are still  _ you _ . You will always be you.”

 

I took a deep breath. Allowed myself to take comfort in his words, his scent, his nearness. “I hope so. I hope you’re right.” He held me close and kissed my head and I fell into a deep sleep.

 

_ Angel _

 

It had been a few days since Buffy’s return. She had still not left her room. People had come in and out of her room. Taking her food. Talking to her. Spike would come over in the evenings and sit with her. I was not privy to those conversations but when he would leave he seemed frustrated and upset. Every night when it was time for bed, Buffy would find me. One night she crawled onto the sofa where I was sleeping. I gathered her in my arms tightly and she fell asleep. Most nights she would ask me to stay with her in her room. I would never refuse her the comfort. I would have stayed with her for the rest of my life in that capacity if she asked. 

 

But she needed to find herself. She needed to get out of her apartment and slowly learn to enjoy life. I had to learn to live this new life too. So many things were new to me and it occurred to me that Buffy’s recovery could include falling in love with the simple joys in life all over again. I had a plan.

 

One morning I woke up early, went to buy groceries, and came back and made her a big breakfast. I made her anything and everything I could think of – eggs, french toast, pancakes, bacon, and sausage.

 

I went into the room and asked her to take my hand and trust me. She came out of her room and into the kitchen. 

 

“Let’s eat breakfast. Together. That’s something we have never done. What do you say?” I proposed. She smiled a small smile. But the smile reached her eyes. It was the first of those smiles I had seen in a while. She sat quietly and ate her fill. I ate right along with her. I had quite the appetite as a human. I realized while I ate that she was staring at me.

 

“What?” I asked.

 

“It’s just… so weird seeing you stuff your face like this.” She smiled, yet again, while she chewed on a crispy piece of bacon. Two smiles, I thought. Good start.

 

“I like food. I’m still learning what I like and I don’t like. For example, I love bacon. I don’t like yogurt.”

 

“You are going to end up with high cholesterol. We need to make sure you eat more yogurt and less bacon. So you can live a long and happy life.” Her smile faded. And she looked down. I wasn’t sure what had crossed her mind but the smile was gone. I would have to work hard to get it back.

 

“Well, I thought maybe you could come with me today to do some things.”

 

“Like what?”

 

“Well, I’d like to do some human things today – take a walk in the sun, eat some ice cream, go to the Golden Gate Bridge during the day.”

 

Buffy bit her lower lip. She was thinking about it, which was a good sign. “I’m not sure…” She looked outside and then back at me.

 

“Why don’t we just try it out. If you decide you have had enough, we’ll come right back.”

 

Buffy sighed. “OK, just let me shower and dress.”

 

It was progress. Buffy disappeared for a long while in her bedroom. She took so long a part of me thought she had changed her mind. But after some time she came out in a white mid-length dress and a yellow jacket. She looked like sunshine and it warmed my heart. 

 

We spent the day walking through different parks, through different neighborhoods, eating ice cream and sno-cones and pretzels. We sat in the park with our snacks and looked around as people played with their kids and their dogs. I did most of the talking throughout the day. That was certainly a change for us. She was usually the chatterbox and I was the quiet one that was just glad to listen to her. I told her stories about my friends back at Angel Investigations, I told her about the old man who switched bodies with me, and the time the memory spell made me think cars were demons. I told her about the time I was turned into a puppet. At the puppet story, she laughed a hearty laugh that reached all the way down to her toes. I thought my heart would explode from the joy of the sound of her laugh. My heart, my beating heart. I thanked the Powers that my soul was bound as this moment in time was very close to perfection.

 

As the day came to a close, we made our way over to an overlook that gave us a beautiful view of the Golden Gate Bridge. We sat in silence and waited for the sunset. I was struck by the beauty of the view. The blue of the ocean was met at the horizon with the orange and pink hues of the darkening sky. I had seen a few sunsets since becoming a vampire – only two without the protection of the necro-tempered glass at Wolfram and Hart – but even before I had been turned I could not remember ever seeing a sunset as remarkable as the one before me. It was the first time I had stopped to appreciate this gift I had been granted. It was humbling.

 

I turned to Buffy to find that she was looking at me instead of the view. She rested her head on her knees, which were gathered close to her. “You were what kept me sane, you know. I thought of you, protecting me, holding me, comforting me. It was how I survived.” She sighed and looked away at the water. “I can’t remember now, how I had survived without you, before. It seems like so long ago.” She shook her head. “I know it was only days ago, but...it feels like so long.”

 

I wrapped her up in my arms then and pulled her close to my chest. There were no words to say that could make any of this better. I wanted her to know that I was there for good but after all we had been through, all she had been through, only my actions would show her. I would stay with her until the very moment she demanded I leave and it would be the greatest joy of my newly human life to spend my days making her feel my love.

 

We walked back to her place in silence and when we arrived Spike was at the front steps waiting.

 

_ Buffy _

 

Angel went inside and I stayed outside and sat next to Spike. We sat together in silence for a long while. I spoke first. “This must all be so strange for you. Just a few weeks ago you had a regular Slayer girlfriend and now you’re stuck with basketcase party of one.”

 

“Buffy, you are not a basketcase. I am trying to give you your space and, sure, it’s hard for me.” Spike motioned behind us to my door, clearly indicating Angel. “But I’m trying to give you whatever it is that you need so that you can get better. I just feel….” He got up and started pacing. “I feel so helpless, so useless.” He stilled and looked straight at me with his expressive eyes. He kneeled down in front of me and I saw the tears in his eyes. “I love you so much, you know that, right?”

 

I nodded. Tears began to fill my eyes as well.

 

“And I know it’s not fair, Buffy, I know I shouldn’t ask this now when you are just back from literal hell, but I have to know. Are you in  _ love _ with me?”

 

I took a deep breath and let it wash over me. I wasn’t sure I knew the answer to that question until the words came out. “I did love you, Spike.”  _ Did.  _ Past tense? “I’m not sure what is left of that love right now. I don’t even know what is left of me.”

 

“But you still love him?” he asked accusingly.

 

“What do you want me to tell you? I don’t want to hurt you. I never wanted to hurt you. I tried so hard, always, so you would believe that Angel was my past. But I don’t have the strength left to do that, Spike,” I sobbed. “I’m sorry. I am so tired. I’m too tired….”

 

“Too tired to what? I don’t understand?”

 

“Of trying to love anyone else. Of pretending not to love Angel. Loving Angel is like  _ breathing _ to me. I never had a choice in the matter. We don’t get to choose who we love.”

 

Spike sat back on his heels and closed his eyes.

 

I continued. “God, Spike, I didn’t… I shouldn’t have said that. I’m not trying to hurt you. I just want to make you understand. I really did love you, Spike. And you are one of my best friends. The thought of losing you….” I wiped tears away and looked at him. “It kills me. You were there for me when no one else was. I don’t want to do wrong by you. Tell me what to do. Just, please tell me.”

 

Spike’s face softened and he caressed my cheek, then he turned away and grabbed a cigarette from his pocket and lit it. “Oh bollocks. Who am I kidding?” He chuckled. “I was working off borrowed time. I’ve known it since I met you two. I’m the one that told you that you would be in love ‘til it killed you both. Although that was a bit of poetic melodrama. Listen, Buffy, I have always known that you still loved Angel. I would have fought him to the death for you if I thought there was a chance that you could love me like that. But now the poof is a human. It’s a blood dream come true.” He was quiet for a moment. Then softly he said, “Your happiness is all I care about.”

 

Buffy scoffed. “I don’t think happiness is in the cards for me, Spike. Believe me, you are getting the better end of the deal here. I don’t understand why Angel is still here. I am not the woman I was. I don’t know if I ever will be.”

 

Spike turned to face me. “You are still Buffy Summers, a hell of a woman. Don’t you forget that. You are strong and you will find your footing. You understand me?”

 

I gave him a small smile. “Always good with the pep talks.” 

 

He gave a slight smirk and exhaled a puff of smoke. “Buffy, I’m going to go and help Faith in Magic Town for a while. Get me a change of scenery.”

 

My stomach twisted. Even if I had anticipated this, the  words of his abandonment stung. “Will you … keep in touch?”

 

“I’m always a phone call away, pet. If that poof steps out of line even by one hair you tell me and I’ll come and kick his ass. Although you can manage that yourself, I’m sure, but still I like to think you would allow me the satisfaction.” Spike grinned devilishly and put out his cigarette. “We had some good times, you and I, didn’t we, love?”

 

I grabbed his hand and squeezed it. “Some of the best, and I mean that.”

 

Spike and I stood and hugged each other. My heart broke. It broke for the man I had loved and who loved me so fiercely, and so beautifully. It broke because I couldn’t love him enough, not the way he deserved to be loved. I mourned because nothing in my life would ever be the same. Spike leaving was just a confirmation of that.

 

Spike pulled away. “I’ll be seein’ you, Slayer,” he said with a soft smile. And he walked away. Like so many who loved me did.

 

_ Angel _

 

I sat with Dawn and Willow at the kitchen table. I told them about our day out and they were happy to hear that Buffy had gotten out of the house. 

 

“So what I need to know,” Dawn said with a stern look, “is what are your plans? Are you planning to leave Buffy again? Do you plan to find some noble cause and reason to stay away again? Because I’ll be honest, Angel, if you are going to go, do it now.”

 

It was remarkable to think that I had just met Dawn for the first time a few months ago when I had so many memories of her as a young girl, hanging on my every word, sneaking into the mansion after school where she would read her Judy Blume books and I would sit with her and sketch or listen to her tell me about her day or her friends. She was like my little sister too in those days. “I want to stay with Buffy for as long as she wants me, Dawn, but it all needs to be on her terms. If she wants me here, I’m here. If she wants me nearby, I’ll do that. She calls the shots, but I am not going anywhere. I’ve thought about this a great deal over the past few weeks. The way I look at it, Faith can help in Magic Town. I have to remember that there are other warriors that can take up the cause to fight now, it isn’t just me and Buffy anymore. And there are other ways I can help in the battle for good, here in this city, with Buffy. For example, we can help train the other slayers. After all, I won’t be around forever - not anymore. And after I’m gone I want to know that others will be prepared to take up the cause. I feel confident that I can do good here with Buffy - when she is ready. So, no, I don’t plan on leaving unless she wants me to.”

 

Dawn examined me carefully. Then leaped at me and pulled me in for big bear hug. “I just want to see her happy again, Angel.”

 

“Me too.”

 

************

 

I went into the kitchen and started making some dinner. I heard the door open and saw that Buffy had come inside alone. I could see she had been crying. Her eyes were puffy and her nose was red. She looked me for a moment with a blank expression, then turned and went to her room. 

 

After I had finished cooking, I took some food over to Buffy’s room. I sat it down on her night stand. She was lying on the bed in the fetal position. “Will you eat something?”

 

“I’m not hungry.” 

 

I sat there for a few moments in silence. Then she looked up at me. “Spike left,” she said with a pained look on her beautiful face. She continued to stare intently into my eyes and eventually moved closer towards me. She put her hands around my neck and started kissing me, but the kisses were desperate, frenzied. She hurriedly removed my shirt and, before I could say anything, had reached for the zipper of my pants. But this was wrong, it was all wrong.

 

“Buffy … wait.” I moved back.

 

“No… I need you to stay with me. I can’t lose you…” She reached back towards my pants again, but I grabbed her hands and pulled them to my lips. I kissed her hands as tears spilled down her cheeks. 

 

“No. Buffy, not like this. I am not going anywhere. But not like this. Not right now.”

 

She placed her head on my chest where my heart was and sighed. “Tell me about hell, Angel.”

 

“Buffy… I…”

 

“I want to know that I am not alone. I want to know how you got through it.”

 

This was the last thing I ever wanted to do, but if it would provide her any comfort to know she was not alone, I agreed. I nodded and scooted back to sit at the head of the bed. Buffy sat next to me. I did not tell her every gory detail but I told her the basics. I told her about the demons who took great pleasure in torturing a creature with a soul. I didn’t detail the beatings and the other horrors I faced but I told her matter-of-factly where I had been and what had been done to me. The truth was that for some reason the memories I had from my time in hell were not all that clear after I returned. They were vague, and foggy. Something like a horrible nightmare. A very long nightmare.

 

“Over a hundred years, Angel. I can’t imagine.” She looked down at her hands, which sat on her lap. “I don’t know how you could ever forgive me…”

 

“Stop that. We have been over this. The reason I was in hell was Angelus, it was not your doing. You aren’t to blame. You saved the world, Buffy. Even in hell, I was so proud of the strength you showed by closing that portal. Never feel bad about that. Can you promise me that?”

 

Buffy nodded and then asked, “How did you do it? How did you stay sane?”

 

I let out a small laugh. “Same way you did. I thought of you. Your bright smile. Your amazing strength. Your fierce loyalty and trust in me. The thought of your kisses and your hugs. The time we made love. I let those feelings wash over me during the darkest of days. I will tell you that towards the end it became difficult. I had forgotten my name and then yours. I remembered your smile but forgot your eyes. I held on as best I could, but I’m not sure how much longer I would have lasted before I was pulled out.”

 

Buffy turned so she was facing me. “My memories, from Quor’toth… It's strange. Every day they seem more and more distant. They feel fuzzier. I still feel the emotions, the pain, fear, but it was just a few days ago and it feels…”

 

“Far away?” She nodded. “Same thing happened to me.” I looked up and pondered for the first time if this was a little gift from the Powers themselves. “Do you want to tell me about it, about your time there?”

 

And Buffy sat back, leaned on the headboard and she began to tell her story. It was difficult to hear about the torture and the beatings. She didn’t have to tell me about the monster that I found her with because I had seen what he was about to do to her, what he had already done was apparent as well. 

 

“Did you see him when you came for me?” she asked quietly.

 

I knew exactly who she meant. I clenched my jaw against the rage. “Yes. I tore his limbs off and decapitated him.”

 

Buffy seemed to consider that for moment and nodded. She leaned against my chest. Closed her eyes and drifted off to sleep. 

 

_ Buffy _

 

Some months had passed since my return. Dawn insisted that I find a good therapist, and we found one that treated demons so that I could discuss my particular issues with her. She was an empath and she was a warm person. It helped to have another person to talk through my experiences. She also provided me with “coping mechanisms” to use on a daily basis. They seemed to help.

 

It also helped that as the weeks went on, the memories of my time in that wretched place had faded significantly. Angel told me he felt that this was a gift from the Powers. I was skeptical – after all, they had never been all that kind to us before – but nevertheless I appreciated any help I could get. 

 

Angel had moved into a home that was just 15 minutes away from our apartment. It was a small loft but he filled it with so many unique decor. It suited him. And the apartment had lots of windows. He refused to put curtains up and he often left all of the windows open to “smell the sunshine” as he said. I wasn’t quite sure what he meant by that but it seemed to make him happy.

 

I still couldn’t believe he hadn’t left me yet. He was over every day for dinner and he would sometimes stay, at my insistence, until I went to sleep. But slowly my nightmares had dissipated and they were now few and far between. In order to get back into a routine, Angel and I had gone out patrolling a few nights, but I was not in the mood for any serious world-saving stuff. Giles had assured me that there were plenty of Slayers to pick up the slack and I shouldn’t worry about not doing the heavy lifting. I still enjoyed the occasional slayage, though, as it reminded me that despite all I had been through, I was still a powerful and capable woman. I was still a Slayer and that meant something. 

 

Slowly, my life started to feel like my own again. Willow, Dawn and I would have girls' nights. Dawn would tell me gross stories about her and Xander who had resumed their relationship. Honestly, which I would have preferred she kept those stories to herself she was still my little sister and he would always be Xander. Willow would tell me about her adventures on a new dating app. I appreciated that they didn’t coddle me; they wanted to let me get back to my normal routine.

 

Angel and I took advantage of the whole not bursting into flames thing and would often have little adventures during the sunny california days. I would take him shopping and force him to buy shirts in colors other than black and in turn he would force me to go hunting for rare books across the city. He would tell me his plans about opening up a rare books and antiques store somewhere in his neighborhood with a nice large training room in the back for both civilians and slayers. I told him the whole thing sounded incredibly dusty, but secretly I thought there was something comforting about seeing Angel amongst beautiful old books and timeless pieces. It suited him.

 

Angel had been patient with me during the months of my return. He had been there as a friend. He had listened to me. He had held me when I needed him and he had let me have my space when I didn’t. He never asked me for anything in return. Our relationship during this time had not been romantic. Although it was no secret to either of us that we loved each other, that had always been a truth, a constant. Still, any progression in the relationship was obviously on hold until I was in a better place.

 

They say that you don’t realize the journey you are on until you stop and look back. One evening as we had finished eating dinner at Angel’s house, I hovered over the sink as I rinsed my plate. My mind wandered over the many months that had passed since my return. I had been sleeping on my own without any nightmares. I was going out with friends and back to my normal routine, although much lighter on the slayage. Somehow with the help of my loved ones, I had dug myself out of the hole. I felt like myself again. While I would never be the same person again, Angel was right, I was still Buffy Summers. Slayer. Friend. Lover. Strong. Whole. I shut off the water and walked over to Angel at the other end of the kitchen where Angel was standing. 

 

“Angel, I don’t need you anymore,” I said brightly.

 

Angel frowned. I realized in short order how that came out. He looked down and started, “I see...well, I….”

 

“Oh God, no, listen. I don’t  _ need _ you anymore. But I want you. I have lived for years convincing myself that we couldn’t be together; telling myself that others were enough, but the truth is no one has ever come close to what you mean to me. I have loved you in heaven and I loved you in hell. I told you once I want my life to be with you. Now that I realize I’m ready to start living my life, I  _ still _ want to do it with you." 

 

Angel’s face lit up. His beautiful chocolate eyes glistened with unfallen tears. “I love you, too, Buffy. This gift” – he grabbed my hand and placed it over his beating heart – “it means nothing if it isn't to share it with you. You are what gives me life.” He tilted my chin and kissed me. I felt like I had been waiting for this kiss for centuries. I leaned into him and pressed my body against his. It was like coming home. 

 

This man had been so many things to me throughout my life. Friend, crush, boyfriend, lover, enemy, secret, protector, regret, champion. And throughout our time apart, I had realized that no amount of time, no other lovers, no dimension of heaven or hell would ever change that we were meant for each other.

 

Our kiss grew in intensity. Angel lifted me up and carried me to his bed. Our bodies were starved for each other. He made love to me over and over again until the sun came up. In the morning, the sunrise shone through his bedroom windows, illuminating our naked, intertwined bodies in orangey hues. It was a thing of beauty. Some old British guy once said if you are going through hell, keep going. Maybe it’s because if you keep moving forward, you might just get to heaven again.


End file.
